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Post by matmatmat on Apr 29, 2014 8:42:30 GMT 9.5
Tell me a joke?
I'll start,
This is truly an amazing story...
A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.
While he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could, he worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen - thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenage son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull elephant stared at him and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring at the man. The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, severely injuring him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant...
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Post by matmatmat on Apr 29, 2014 8:43:00 GMT 9.5
ONE FOR THE ROAD
A senior citizen drove his brand new Holden Senator out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 120 kph, enjoying the power of the car .
“Amazing,” he thought as he flew down the F3, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a highway patrol car, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 140 kph, then 180kph, then suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this!” and pulled over to await the copper’s arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the copper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the car. He looked at his watch, then said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding – a reason I’ve never before heard – I’ll let you go..”
The old gentleman paused then said, “Three years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back.”
“Have a good day, Sir,” replied the copper.
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Post by matmatmat on Apr 29, 2014 8:43:43 GMT 9.5
While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the senator.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises…
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter
is waiting for him.
“Now it’s time to visit heaven.”
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers the senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil looks at him, smiles and says,
“Yesterday we were campaigning…… Today you voted.”
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Post by matmatmat on Apr 29, 2014 8:45:04 GMT 9.5
There's a black guy and a white guy stood at the urinal taking a leak.
The black guy looks at the white guy and says "Why do you have WY tattooed on your d**k".
The white guy replies "when its erect it spells out the name of my girlfriend.. Wendy", "Oh" says the black guy.
The white guy looks at the black guy and says "hey why do you have WY tattooed on your d**k",
the black guy answers "when its erect is says... Welcome to Barbados have a nice daY".
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Post by matmatmat on May 14, 2014 11:10:24 GMT 9.5
An old blind cowboy wanders into an all girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a barstool & orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while he yells to the bartender "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep husky voice, the woman next to him says "before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it's only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know 5 things"
1 The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2 the bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4 the woman sitting next to me is blonde & a professional weight lifter
5 the lady to your right is blonde & a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously cowboy, do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, then shakes his head & mutters "No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it 5 times"
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Post by matmatmat on May 15, 2014 10:44:51 GMT 9.5
The BBQ rules..
As we have now entered the BBQ season it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity . When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organise the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat
Important again:
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ', and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!
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bones
Junior Member
Posts: 79 
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Post by bones on Apr 14, 2015 19:56:00 GMT 9.5
Ok, here's a dirty joke, I was out four wheel driving the other day and me mate got bogged. I went to help him....
I fell in the bloody mud.
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